Hip Hop's new 4 elements

I’ve always thought the “four elements” of hip hop were bogus. Sure, back in the early days of the genre rapping, djing, graffiti writing and break-dancing (excuse me, “b-boying”) were all somewhat interwoven into the culture of hip hop. But c’mon. Even back then, it was pretty arbitrary. I mean, it’s not like guys in the Bronx invented tagging. Cavemen were doing that thousands of years ago in their caves.

Nowadays, hip hop is pretty much just one element, rapping, and anyone who talks about four is either an old-timer or an obnoxious elitist. Not to disparage tagging or spinning — be it records or on the ground — but those practices don’t really have much to do with hip hop anymore, or at least what people around the world understand hip hop to be.

The culture has obviously evolved since DJ Kool Herc was playing at block parties, so I think it’s time the “four elements” evolve too.

We’ll keep rapping, obviously, but what else? Wikipedia has listed some other elements, so let’s consider those.

(A) Beatboxing. Um…no. The only people who beatbox today are kids on Riddlin and Jamie Lidell. Although that guy from Police Academy probably still does it, I guess.

(B) Hip hop fashion. Nah. There’s no common aesthetic in hip hop fashion ever since Jay-Z decided to change clothes and go.

(C) Hip hop slang. Since they buried “def” a while back I just don’t feeling comfortable with this.

(D) VJing. I have no idea what this is.

So, what else? What are the most beloved threads of the culture? I’ve thought about this long and hard, and here’s what I’ve come up with. Drum roll, please.

New hip hop element #1: Rims. Who doesn’t love a good rim? After all, if you’ve got nice rims, you’ve got a rap video right there. Personally I like my rims to be 56 inches, so that my car only really needs one tire.

New hip hop element #2: Brown Paper Bags. Any rapper worth his salt has stacks and stacks of cash. What do you think they do with all that cheddar? Invest it in the tanking stock market? Spread it on a Ritz cracker and enjoy a nice snack? I don’t think so. They stuff it into brown paper bags, is what they do.

New hip hop element #3: Girls with gigantic asses. If you ask a teenager in China who Nas is he’ll probably give you a blank stare, but if you ask him who Buffie the Body is, he’ll say “Duh” and point to the giant poster of her on his wall. Then his sister will show you the tattoo on her rear end that says “Tasty,” just like Buffie’s.

So there you have it. Hip hop’s new four elements are rapping, rims, brown paper bags, and girls with gigantic asses.

Now somebody go tell KRS-One, or something.